As part of the Black Writer’s Program I’m participating in via the NY Writer’s Coalition, each week we’re given a prompt with which to write about. Two weeks ago of the five prompts provided I selected the one on childhood crushes and the impact they have on your present-day love life. We were given 30 minutes to write something and then we shared our pieces with the rest of the class. The following is an original work. Enjoy!
In the beginning, it was Yanali. Imagine being in kindergarten and all of 4 years old (my mama told me to tell you I’m five though, so…) and locking eyes with an opinionated, beautiful Latinx girl with experimental bangs, pigtails, and homemade dresses made of pure velvet. I was mesmerized. Plus, she was bilingual. Yes. Ultimately, she and her family moved away so the school year and our blossoming friendship were interrupted. As I was focused on my schooling because my mama said I only have one job right now and this is it I was obsessed internally with beauty and honesty – substance came later but initially, it was an outward attraction. In whatever you do, be you. So throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I was infatuated with —
*takes a deep breath*
Zakiya (a classic beauty with an electric smile), Whitney (skin as black as the night with a resolute sense of self and direction), Loren (boy) [beautiful eyes, full lips, and funny], Danielle (our legs touched as we sat on the large planter outside during recess – she didn’t move her leg and I didn’t move mine. We sat like that for what felt like forever.), Jessica (a twin, but she seemed the fun one, beautiful full smile, assertive, focused), Thaddeus (he played drums and was short but solid and talented), Katrina (soft-spoken but popular, very smart, and didn’t notice me), Richard, Brian G., DeJuan – whoa there are more guys in here, alright – Andrew Fucking Smith. Whatever fine is to a 7th grader he was it. Dimples. Big Eyes. Big Smile. Bigger Laugh. This muthafucka was working out. Alisha. The Alisha. If I was to ever marry a woman it would be her. She is it for me. Just black ass. Black focused. Black bound. Black power. A truly beautiful spirit that has been in my corner for many years at this point.
Over time I acknowledged and accepted that I liked men too. I even liked androgynous folx as well. If nothing else I befriended everyone with no ulterior motives other than to get to know them. This infatuation would lead to more intentional dating.
Even later I began to realize that I didn’t make a selection in my dating history, I was selected. I was fortunate in most cases that who I liked also liked me so they approached me and I agreed. Though I must admit most if not all of my relationships were rebounds. I was there to help them get over someone else. I played my part well.
