When Politeness Becomes a Prison: Unlearning the Fear of Offending Others to Save Ourselves

In a culture where politeness is often equated with goodness, we’ve developed a dangerous habit: we ignore the whispers of our intuition so we don’t hurt someone else’s feelings. Gavin de Becker, the renowned security expert and author of The Gift of Fear, has long argued that this compulsion toward politeness—especially among women—isn’t just unwise; it’s often life-threatening.

In the now-viral clip of de Becker, he outlines a familiar, haunting scenario: someone feels uneasy but suppresses that feeling to avoid appearing rude. Maybe a stranger insists on helping carry groceries, steps into a personal space uninvited, or keeps making unsolicited conversation in an otherwise empty parking lot. The person feels that tickle of danger—intuition whispering that something’s off—but they smile, nod, and say “thank you.” Why? Because to say “no” might be rude. Because we’re taught that declining help, especially when offered “kindly,” is a character flaw, not a survival instinct.

De Becker’s work repeatedly warns us against this socialization. In The Gift of Fear, he recounts the story of Kelly, a woman who narrowly escaped a predator who had forced his way into her home. What saved her wasn’t strength, training, or technology—it was her intuition. She felt something was wrong when he returned under the guise of helping her with groceries, and when he made a strange comment about her having a cat. Still, she ignored the feeling—until a moment came when she could no longer suppress it. She leapt from a window and lived. “Her body knew before her brain accepted it,” de Becker writes. And the thing that almost got her killed? Being polite.

Let’s sit with that. The thing that almost got her killed… was not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings.

This is not unique to Kelly. Many women, in particular, are raised with the implicit (and sometimes explicit) belief that their likability is their safety. That the best way to disarm a threat is to be charming, sweet, accommodating. That saying “no” must be couched in apologies, body language that signals we don’t really mean it, or a nervous laugh to make rejection go down easier for the other party. Meanwhile, the internal alarm bells blare.

Politeness becomes a prison. And the fear of being seen as rude eclipses the far more valid fear of being harmed.

In everyday life, we see this constantly. A woman on a date laughs off an offhanded sexual comment because she doesn’t want to make things “awkward.” A teenager accepts a ride home because “they seemed nice.” A customer service worker tolerates inappropriate comments from a client because “the customer is always right.” In each of these examples, there’s a cost: a suppression of instinct, a denial of self, a devaluation of one’s right to feel uncomfortable and to say no.

De Becker doesn’t preach paranoia. He preaches trust in the one system that has kept human beings alive for millennia: intuition. Unlike fear that’s based on trauma or assumption, intuition is immediate, physical, primal. It’s the subtle shift in the air. The tingle at the back of your neck. The sudden need to cross the street. The knowing. “Intuition,” he says, “is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart. It is knowing without knowing why.”

Editorially, we must ask: what would it mean to teach our children—especially our girls—that their safety is more important than someone else’s comfort? What would it look like if we applauded people for walking away, speaking up, or calling out inappropriate behavior instead of labeling them rude, mean, or dramatic?

It would mean redefining courage—not as endurance of the uncomfortable, but as refusal to make ourselves small for the sake of social ease. It would mean accepting that “no” is a full sentence. It would mean giving people permission to listen to themselves before they listen to others.

The truth is, politeness has never saved anyone from violence. But intuition has.

In a world that asks us to smile more, explain ourselves constantly, and soften every boundary for the comfort of others, de Becker’s message is radical: You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t owe your time, your energy, your vulnerability, or your safety to someone just because they asked nicely.

So the next time that inner voice pipes up, don’t quiet it with politeness. That voice is not just a feeling. It’s a gift.

Listen.

Photo by Masiyah on Unsplash